Expectation

As a parent of a child with special needs, whether they are physical or in J’s case mental, we often expect certain things. Sometimes that expectation pays off and you see your child getting better or it leads into something that causes more frustration and aggravation. In J’s case, expectation is a long winding road with no foreseeable outcomes. In essence, I should not place any expectations on J. 

When we expect certain things such as Christmas, family reunions, special trips, etc., there is a certain level of excitement and joy.  Expectation can sometimes be a good thing. It becomes a problem when we place expectations upon a person, especially a child. 

As a parent, it is difficult not to have some level of expectation place upon our children. We expect them to do well in school, be kind to others, respect their elders, and behave. Sometimes we place a certain level of expectation on our children without realizing what it is doing to them. It is only when we stop and actually pay attention do we see what that expectation has done. 

When we place expectations on children it is often born from our need to meet society standards. As parents we feel affirmation when strangers compliment our children’s good behavior. We feel a sense of pride when our children do well in school and graduate with honors. As parents we will talk about our children’s accomplishments to anyone who will listen. It is the expectation of society that children will grow up to become productive  members of society and follow social norms and conventions. As parents we feel a sense of accomplishment; that we did our jobs in raising our children right because society has told us so. The level of expectation we have placed on our children has paid off. 

But, what if our level of expectation causes more harm than good? Do we become fearful of what others think because our child does not behave in a way that is expected? Do we place more levels of expectation  in an effort to get our child to conform? The levels of expectation we place on a child can often blind us. 

When J’s older brothers were going through high school. I had placed such a level of expectation on them that I did not realize what it was doing to them. In my need for affirmation and validation, I had expected my older boys to do well in school, make the honor roll, etc. When they did not, I felt embarrassed, like I had failed them. I wondered what others would think of my parenting skills. When my older children were not meeting my level of expectations, I became harder on them. It blinded me to their other attributes. It was not until I saw what it was doing to my middle child that I backed off. 

Attempting to place expectations upon J have proven to be unfruitful. It has caused more frustration and aggravation. There were many times I felt embarrassed by his actions and was afraid of what others would say or think. The more embarrassed I felt, the harder I placed those expectations upon him. It was not fair to J. 

Expectation places people, especially children in a box. It sends a message that the only way a person or a child can earn our love is by conforming to the box we haev placed them in. Expectation is a hard noun. It can be unyielding, unforgiveable, cumbersome, and unrealistic. For someone like J, placing an expectation often leads to anger, resentment, and disappointment - another series of hard nouns. 

When it comes to our children, peace is more assured when we just simply love them rather than place a level of expectation on them. To love someone does not place an expectation on them, rather it allows them the freedom to excel on their own terms, to feel confident, wanted, and secure. All a child wants to know and feel that they are loved. Expectation is not love, nor is it patient or kind.