The past 3 weeks have been some of the roughest we have had with J. For weeks now we have been knocking down every door, pulling on every thread, and looking under every rock we can find in order to get help or some kind of assistance. For every phone call, email, call mobile crisis numbers called we were shot down. The main reasons is because J is only 10 years old.
Over the past year J has choked, hit, kicked, threw things, and even bit people. He has thrown things at home, outwardly defied us, and constantly screams at us. In the past few weeks, his behavior has escalated at home to calling me a “bitch,” and an “idiot.” We have had to call the police each week over the last 3 weeks which have resulted in nothing.
Yesterday evening J did not like that I took television away from him for hitting and punching teachers and other students. He proceeded to scream at me, interrupt me at work, and stand in my office screaming and making demands. I told him to go into his room. He screamed at me some more and then reluctantly went to his room.
His case worker arrived shortly after. We talked for about 45 minutes before she attempted to approach J. J would have nothing to do with her. After she left, J proceeded to come back into my office and scream at me, demanding to watch television. I continued to say “no.” After he left my office, I immediately shut and locked the door, largely to prevent him from interrupting me. He then started screaming at me through the door and banging on it so hard the door was bending. He attempted numerous times to turn the knob and bang on the door some more. Calling me an “idiot” most of the time. I called his case worker looking for help, she advised me to call the police. 911 even heard him banging on the door. The 911 operator told me they would dispatch someone to the house and to call if I needed anything further.
I heard J leave the house so I took the opportunity to leave my office and head to my bedroom. When I got to my bedroom I locked the door. J came back in and proceeded to scream at me through my bedroom door and bang on it as well. My bedroom faces the street and all I could do was wait and watch for the police to arrive. About that time, J retreated to his room and stopped screaming.
I attempted to tell the police what has been going on. They were condescending and began to ask me if I have tried counseling with him or using any mental health services. I immediately turned around and looked that officer in the eye and began to rattle off everything we have done for J. She just waved me off and stated “okay,” and asked to speak to J.
The entire time they spoke with J, he was cordial, articulate, and accommodating. He did not throw fits, curse, or scream. He was even trying to show some of the things he had in his room. All they seemed to tell him was to not talk or treat me the way that he did.
When they came out of his room, I told them they saw a completely opposite version of him. I attempted to try and play some of the recorded screaming and show them the school’s daily reports but they were not interested. They keep saying to me that they “believed” me. Yeah, right! I got the feeling they did not. Later they proceeded to tell me that they would not take him because he is only 10 years old. They refused to remove him from the home even after I told them that I was afraid of hurting him myself. The officer then looked at me and said that I was allowed to restrain him anyway I see fit, even sit on him. She also stated that I could just call them every time to come out. Tell me, what is the point of doing that? He’s already figured out that they are not going to do anything to him.
For weeks now, I have been trying to get help with J. His own case worker, who has been with us for over a year, does not even know what to do with him. At school, the staff is at a loss of what to do. They told me nothing works. J can be provoked at the slightest thing. We cannot pin point down his triggers. Anything can set him off, especially if it interferes with what he wants to do. He has become more aggressive and more violent toward others. Last week he threatened to stick his finger in a wall socket to hurt himself in order to prove a point. I spent hours on the phone with mobile crisis only to be told he was not a candidate for admission to acute care since he is not a danger to himself. It did not matter that he was a danger to others. The school’s social worker even told mobile crisis she recommended acute care placement but that did not matter. One place we tried to make a referral to stated they would not take J because “he is too aggressive.” Another place would not take J because he was not 12 years old. Another place had no beds and would only accept referrals from their own sources. A trip to ER calls the same mobile crisis I spent hours pleading with. The facility he receives his mental health services from does not or will not make a referral. His pediatrician felt she could refer him to a psychiatrist for a 2 hour evaluation but she totally ignored me when I pleaded for inpatient services. J is on a waiting list for residential placement but there is no telling when he will get a bed. It’s been 2 weeks now and no word on a bed.
There was another school shooting that took place recently. As devastating as these school shootings are, where were these authorities when parents were crying out to get their mentally ill child help? I use to be one of those cynical parents and made statements such as “why did they not tell someone their child was depressed or in trouble” or “why did not anyone notice this kid was crying out for help or showed warning signs, or “where was this kid’s parents?” I think I now know the answer to those questions. Needless to say, I am no longer cynical.
One of my biggest fears is that when J becomes older he will do something that is devastating to another person. Or, be severely hurt himself because he angered the wrong person. However, this society will not step in until he has either done something really terrible or when he becomes a teenager. In the past year J has choked a teacher twice, punched them in the head, kicked them, bit them, threw things as them, etc. He even had a list of people he wanted to hurt and schools he wanted to burn down. He has now escalated that behavior at home. And, yes, he is only 10 years old going on 11.
We have tried everything with J. We make sure he does not miss a single appointment with his case worker, the mental health clinic, and with his therapist. J receives his medication daily, including any increases that were made. He has had 2 increases within the past 3 months. We have tried different approaches to handle him. His case worker reminds him to use his coping skills and so do we. He just chooses not to use them. The therapy sessions, meeting with his case worker 3 times a week, and the medication increases have not made a difference.
What will it take? CNN did a short clip on mental health services for children in this country. In their report they indicated that 55% of parents are frustrated that there are no mental health services or resources for children. If J was an adult and did half the things he does now, he would be taken away due to being a danger to others. Because he is 10, they label him as having “behaviors” and want us to try various techniques. The same techniques we have been trying for years. If J had any inclination to harm himself, he would be admitted into acute care; because he punches a teacher in the head and bites another, hits other children, he doesn’t qualify for admission. J is so impulsive and out of anger will hurt someone and not think twice before he does. The more concerning issue is that he seems to longer show remorse for his actions. He also refuses to take accountability for his actions. According to J it is always someone else’s fault. What will it take before someone will finally listen to us and do something?
As of right now, our hands are tied. We can’t move forward or get J the help he needs. We cannot get any respite from him either. While we wait for a bed to become available, we have to endure J’s screaming, pounding on doors, and obscenities thrown at us. The school will have to continue to try and brace themselves for J because they have no idea how he will react or behave from one day to the next. I will have to try and find some reserve or energy from somewhere because I am completely and utterly empty. It is getting harder and harder to practice restraint. It is especially hard when J follows you around the house screaming in your ear.
Each and every person I have tried to talk to about J all tell me the same thing. They all tell me to just ignore him. Really? If they have to endure what we do on a daily basis, I bet ignoring J would be the last thing they would ever recommend to do.
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