The amazing thing about children, at a certain age at least, is their uninhibited way of making statements which make a person acknowledge certain truths. J statements he made the other day to me had their nuggets of truth. They were trite, overused statements. The kind you read about in self help or self awareness books. In fact they are the kind of statements you hope your children take to heart but we as adults often fail to follow ourselves.
We were discussing about finding new people to meet, attend a new church, etc. I am hesitant due to past hurts and recent experiences. I also do not want to be in a situation where I have to change myself or accommodate others while sacrificing my own feelings. It never ends well. However, J stated to me that I should not have to change myself to meet new people or attend a new church. He said I should just be the way I am.
Sometimes as parents, whether we realize it our not, we live vicariously through our children. We push our children to be stronger, smarter, better, achieve more, and be successful. As parents we often say to ourselves that we push our children for their benefit because we want the best for them. Then we stand back and make boastful statements, “my son did this in school,” “my daughter got this award,” my son made straight A’s,” “ my daughter did this…, “my son did that…,” and on and on. We make these statements and beam when people react and respond with positive affirmations. It becomes a reflection on our parenting skills and abilities. Before we know it, we as parents begin to define ourselves by the actions of our children and loose ourselves along the way.
The way I am. I have spent the past 5 years trying to teach J lessons, to change his behaviors, teach him how to respect others, and so on. In the beginning I would be mortified over J’s behavior and worried about what others think. I would try to change or redirect J’s behavior, explain it away to others, provide explanations on the steps I was taking to address the situation, anything to receive affirmation from others that I was a good mom. I worried about how his behavior projected on myself and my family. It really has affected the way I am and in the past couple of years I’ve realized, “who really cares.”
I used to see parents in the store with their children who would scream and cry and think, “ they must spoil their child, “ don’t they discipline,” and the worst of all “they are not great parents.” I was judgmental of those parents. Now, I completely sympathize with them.
J in our lives has helped me to see how much stock I placed in the thoughts of others. I felt others would judge me the same way I had previously judged. We are warned not to judge others unless we be judged by the same measure. Ironic. I measured myself by my own judgments.
It was really absurd. My whole life has been spent restraining myself worried about what others think of me. It has caused me to hold back, only show certain sides of myself, take the criticism lying down, and not stand up for myself; all in the hopes of pleasing others. My actions and reactions were based out of fear of what others thought of me. This fear drove me to place pressure on my two older boys and then on J. However, it took J to help me realize just how much emphasis I placed on the thoughts of others and how ridiculous I have been.
J stated to me the other day that I should not change myself for anyone. I should just be myself and not worry what others think. J stated that people should just accept me the way I am. He said the exact same things to me he is repeatedly told by others. These are the same things I have told J to take to heart but have failed to take them myself.
It is difficult to change one’s thought processes that have been imbedded for decades. It has taken J being a part of our lives for me to see how ridiculous it is to base my self worth on the thoughts of others. Even though I realize this, it is hard to change decades of imbedded habits and actions that cause me to try and please others but I am trying. Recent events over the past year has made me vulnerable to backsliding.
Our conversation with J the other day helped me to realize how vulnerable I have become. I have found myself fishing for compliments at work, looking for ways to affirm myself, and making sure J’s case worker knows we have been trying to help him. I hesitate looking for a new church for fear of being hurt or falling into the same merry-go-round trap of pleasing others in order to be accepted. I have been more critical of J than I ever have been because I want others to think we are doing a good job handling him.
J was right. I should not let others dictate who I am. I should not let J’s actions be a reflection of my parenting skills. If others have a problem with how direct I can be or if they are intimidated by me, that is their problem, not mine. As he stated, I should just be myself. I realized that J has never asked me to change who I am. It took this child with all of his struggles and issues to make me realize that I am okay just the way I am.
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