A Fine Line

 My husband and I were having a discussion the other day. It came about related to a recent school shooting or rather a bomb scare we became aware of. My husband and I are rather polar opposites when it comes to guns and gun control. Although, we do agree that if a hunter requires several rounds of ammunition to go hunting with, they shouldn’t be hunting in the first place. Despite our views on gun control, the heart of our conversation centered around mental illness. 

Despite the latest surge of self-help books, apps, and web-based therapies, there is still not enough resources available to assist with mental illness, especially in children. In the 1980’s funding for mental health services was decreased significantly. As a result, many hospitals and mental health units had to make some hard decisions. Many units closed down because there simply was not enough reimbursement for services to keep them open. Others switched to focusing on addictions as a way of keeping their doors open. It almost seems to be more acceptable to have an alcohol or drug addiction versus a mental illness. What many do not realize is that those with a drug or alcohol addiction have underlying mental illness. Many turn to alcohol or drugs to quiet the voices in their head or deal with the emotional roller coaster they may be experiencing. While addiction programs do try to deal with the underlying issues that leads a person to drink or take drugs, they still remain woefully inadequate. The amount of resources available to persons suffering from metal illness varies state to state. Adults have a hard enough time seeking these resources out, let alone resources for children. 

The latest surge of online mental health services had made things a bit easier for adults to seek help. If a person has access to a computer and internet connection, they can receive help via telehealth. However, if they are homeless, poor, or no health insurance that would cover, the person has to look for help by other means. For parents of children, it is much more complicated. 

The mental health services online do not cater to children. Many of the inpatient mental illness hospitals or clinics are for adults; only a handful have units for children. Whether you are an adult or a child, many of these hospitals or units will not admit someone for help unless they are a danger to themselves or others. Even then, they may still not admit them to be evaluated and treated properly. J has hit and choked his teachers and they still would not admit him. The main solution to help adults and children is to add more medications or make medication adjustments and hope for the best. We just recently added another medication to J’s regimen. A few weeks ago, I spent time trying to find a hospital that would take J and each one the state gave me to contact dealt with adults and substance abuse, not mental health behavior for children. The only solution I had available to me to help J was to increase his case worker’s visits to 3 times a week. 

The other issue concerning children is that professionals hesitate to apply certain diagnoses on a child despite all of the signs and symptoms that may be present. The standard diagnoses consist of ADHD, clinical depression and oppositional defiant disorder. I have been told many times that they do not diagnose certain conditions until they are teenagers. Unfortunately, as teenagers, their behaviors are set and can become very difficult to turn around. It is almost too late to treat them. 

With J, I am persistent, so there is some hope for him. However, I think about all of the other parents dealing with a child like J who do not know how to be persistent. The case workers only have access to limited resources themselves and can only help parents to a certain extent. It primarily becomes the parents’ responsibility to make sure their child receives help. I was even told I would have to become a “squeaky wheel” if I wanted J to get help. 

I work full time which makes it difficult to be that wheel. I have  spent time making phone call after phone call to no avail. When I do find someplace, J is placed on a waiting list and it requires I drive an hour or more to take him to receive services. This means I have to take time off of work in order to do this. Like many other parents, I cannot continue to take time off. I am willing to bet that many parents cannot afford to take time off of work to help their child which makes their situations more strenuous than mine. Being a “squeaky wheel” is exhausting and at some point you even get tired of your own noise. 

When massive shootings occurred regardless of the location, there is an abundance of discussions centered around gun control. These discussions occupy mainstream media and make no room for the real reasons behind why these individuals commit mass murder. Although I am for better legislation around acquiring guns and removing guns that hold more than 30 clips off of the market, it really doesn’t address the issues behind why these individuals would commit a mass shooting. The guns are a means to an end for these individuals. Guns can easily be acquired. But, I often think, if guns were not available what else would these individuals use? 

Mine and my husband’s greatest worry about J is that he will do something that could injure himself or others. We walk a fine line when it comes to disciplining J. If we give hm to much discipline or yell at him one too many times, will he snap? If we give him too little, will he think he could do whatever he wants without paying consequences? If we say or do the wrong thing will it contribute to how he sees himself and others? When we tease with him or joke around with him, will he take it literally or see it as a harmless joke? Unfortunately, he takes things most literally so we have to be really careful what we say or do around him. We have not always been the best around him. Call it frustration, tiredness, anger, whatever; I still hope that the good we have done will out weigh all the wrong and J will not snap or do something terrible. 

We walk a fine line with J. Everyday it is something different, a new challenge. We do not always respond in the best manner or say the right thing in the moment but we try. Just the other day J threw a massive screaming fit because we needed to go to the store and he did not want to go. We sat around for 40 minutes waiting for him to getting out before we could leave. He had to stay in his room until he calmed down. We did not react other than to send him to his room. It is hard to say what J will grow to become or what he will do. All we can do is pay attention to J and respond in the best way we can. It’s a fine line we walk.