Last week we ground J to his room for his actions. In the past when he attacked a teacher or another adult, we took some things away and grounded him for a few days. This time, we stripped his room of practically everything, leaving only his bed and clothes and he was grounded for a week in his room. He was not allowed to come out except to go to the bathroom and to eat dinner. Otherwise, he remained in his room. However, I am not sure if this time will make a difference.
Each time we gave J a punishment for his actions it has resulted in a battle between him and me and my husband. J pushes and pushes throughout his punishment. He uses any manipulation tactic to think of such as "you are the reason I can't have anything in my room," "nobody loves me," "you must hate me," "I will never get to go outside again," "I will never get to eat again," and on and on. He will scream in his room and wail knowing I am next door trying to work. He kicks at his door and pounds on the wall periodically. And, he will throw items in his room breaking his own toys. He will sit at his bedroom door and scream or constantly talk through it. I will hear his bedroom door open and shut multiple times. We will have told him multiple times to be quiet, stop screaming, stop wailing, shut his door, and just about anything else you can think of. It is futile. In a couple of minutes to an hour later he will start back up again.
In the past we have made him write sentences as a form of punishment. He fought with us then and what started out as 25 sentences would grow to 200 and last for days. This form of punishment never worked. In fact any consequences we gave him never really worked. He would be okay for a few days and then he will do the exact same thing again he was previously punished for. We have taken away privileges, grounded him to his room, taken away TV, forbid him from playing with his friends, restricted him to the house, and so on. We have even tried positive reinforcement for good behavior in the hopes it will make a difference. No matter what consequences or positive reinforcement tactics we used, none of it seems to make a difference.
We grounded him for a week in his room for punching the bus aid in the face multiple times. Over the course of the week he would cry, wail, scream, argue, open his door often, pound on the walls, and took every opportunity to disrupt the household. I work from home. My office is next to his bedroom and all week long I had to put up with his behavior. I have had case managers tell me to ignore him and not let him get under my skin. You try ignoring it for a week and see how you feel at the end? At one point I ended up putting my headphones on and play music to drown him out. Needless to say, I began to wonder who was really being punished here?
We have tried to punish J in the hopes he will learn from his behavior and choices. Each time we have punished him, we have discussed reasons why and the consequences of his actions. He will repeat back to us our conversation and express understanding. However, we have had this same conversation over and over. We feel like a broken record that never gets off of the turntable. The lyrics and beat remain the same. It is grating on my ears.
I have gotten to the point where I dread having to punish him for the wrong choices and wrongful actions he has made. Every time it has resulted into a battle with him. My husband and I have had to change our plans numerous times because of a punishment we have given J. We cannot go out because someone has to be home with J who is grounded to his room. If we go out, we have to take J and it gets him out of his punishment. There is a part of me that just wants to ignore the entire incident and not do anything to him. It would simply let J get away with whatever he has done. And yet, I cannot seem to do that. So I do the thing I dread and place a punishment upon him. I then have to brace myself for his responses to come. It has resulted in an indirect punishment upon myself and my husband. It is a vicious cycle.
A therapist recommended I read a book titled The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce D. Perry. She indicated how this book could help us in understanding J and how to best approach him. I downloaded it to my Audible account but have not been able to bring myself to listen to it. Over the past 5 years I have heard numerous things about how to react to J. I have read numerous articles and other books and found them not to be very useful. It is just something else I need to make time to do but right now I am not in the mindset to listen to it. I am still trying to get over this past week.
Needless to say, every time we place a punishment on J, we end up paying the cost whether we want to or not. It is a merry-go-round we cannot seem to get off. Just when we think we can, J does something that starts it in motion again. It is nauseating. In the end I feel we end up punishing ourselves in an attempt to make J behave and teach him a lesson. Punishments nor rewards do not seem to stick with him and it ends up becoming a fruitless endeavor. I still hope that someday it will stick and J will be better all the more for it. I guess that is why I remain on the merry-go-round.
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