Who is Being Punished Anyway?

Last week we ground J to his room for his actions. In the past when he attacked a teacher or another adult, we took some things away and grounded him for a few days. This time, we stripped his room of practically everything, leaving only his bed and clothes and he was grounded for a week in his room. He was not allowed to come out except to go to the bathroom and to eat dinner. Otherwise, he remained in his room. However, I am not sure if this time will make a difference. 

Each time we gave J a punishment for his actions it has resulted in a battle between him and me and my husband. J pushes and pushes throughout his punishment. He uses any manipulation tactic to think of such as "you are the reason I can't have anything in my room," "nobody loves me," "you must hate me," "I will never get to go outside again," "I will never get to eat again," and on and on. He will scream in his room and wail knowing I am next door trying to work. He kicks at his door and pounds on the wall periodically. And, he will throw items in his room breaking his own toys. He will sit at his bedroom door and scream or constantly talk through it. I will hear his bedroom door open and shut multiple times. We will have told him multiple times to be quiet, stop screaming, stop wailing, shut his door, and just about anything else you can think of. It is futile. In a couple of minutes to an hour later he will start back up again. 

In the past we have made him write sentences as a form of punishment. He fought with us then and what started out as 25 sentences would grow to 200 and last for days. This form of punishment never worked. In fact any consequences we gave him never really worked. He would be okay for a few days and then he will do the exact same thing again he was previously punished for. We have taken away privileges, grounded him to his room, taken away TV, forbid him from playing with his friends, restricted him to the house, and so on. We have even tried positive reinforcement for good behavior in the hopes it will make a difference. No matter what consequences or positive reinforcement tactics we used, none of it seems to make a difference. 

We grounded him for a week in his room for punching the bus aid in the face multiple times. Over the course of the week he would cry, wail, scream, argue, open his door often, pound on the walls, and took every opportunity to disrupt the household. I work from home. My office is next to his bedroom and all week long I had to put up with his behavior. I have had case managers tell me to ignore him and not let him get under my skin. You try ignoring it for a week and see how you feel at the end? At one point I ended up putting my headphones on and play music to drown him out. Needless to say, I began to wonder who was really being punished here? 

We have tried to punish J in the hopes he will learn from his behavior and choices. Each time we have punished him, we have discussed reasons why and the consequences of his actions. He will repeat back to us our conversation and express understanding. However, we have had this same conversation over and over. We feel like a broken record that never gets off of the turntable. The lyrics and beat remain the same. It is grating on my ears. 

I have gotten to the point where I dread having to punish him for the wrong choices and wrongful actions he has made. Every time it has resulted into a battle with him. My husband and I have had to change our plans numerous times because of a punishment we have given J. We cannot go out because someone has to be home with J who is grounded to his room. If we go out, we have to take J and it gets him out of his punishment. There is a part of me that just wants to ignore the entire incident and not do anything to him. It would simply let J get away with whatever he has done. And yet, I cannot seem to do that. So I do the thing I dread and place a punishment upon him. I then have to brace myself for his responses to come. It has resulted in an indirect punishment upon myself and my husband. It is a vicious cycle. 

A therapist recommended I read a book titled The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce D. Perry. She indicated how this book could help us in understanding J and how to best approach him. I downloaded it to my Audible account but have not been able to bring myself to listen to it. Over the past 5 years I have heard numerous things about how to react to J. I have read numerous articles and other books and found them not to be very useful. It is just something else I need to make time to do but right now I am not in the mindset to listen to it. I am still trying to get over this past week. 

Needless to say, every time we place a punishment on J, we end up paying the cost whether we want to or not. It is a merry-go-round we cannot seem to get off.  Just when we think we can, J does something that starts it in motion again. It is nauseating. In the end I feel we end up punishing ourselves in an attempt to make J behave and teach him a lesson. Punishments nor rewards do not seem to stick with him and it ends up becoming a fruitless endeavor. I still hope that someday it will stick and J will be better all the more for it. I guess that is why I remain on the merry-go-round. 

Exhaustion

 For the last 7 years, I have searched and searched for ways to help J. Since he was 5 there has been so many medication adjustments I can't quite remember all of them. He has been in some sort of therapy since he was 5. I have read books, reviewed articles, looked up diagnoses, and listened to all of the therapists and doctors. Tried everything I could think of to help J. I am exhausted. 

Therapists, books, and others say that I need to take care of myself. Get some rest. Do something to get my mind off of the situation. Take a break. It's easy for these therapists, case managers, and even family members to say. After all they do not have to sit and listen to a child scream and wail for hours. They do not receive the countless phone calls from school requesting us to come to school and/or pick him up from school because J has done something. They do not have to put up with a child constantly mouthing off to you, arguing with you, or refusing to do what he is told. How can one get some rest or time for themselves when they are exhausted from taking care of a child like J? 

This past Friday, we had to pick J up from school because he punched the bus aid several times in the face. He has been suspended from school 3 times in the past year for punching staff members and even choking one staff member twice. J even bragged about punching teachers and others simply because he does not like them. He did not even think choking someone was hurtful. Each and every incident we have tried to explain to J how wrong it is to punch and choke someone and what the consequences could be. Our teaching and explanations do not seem to make it pass his ears. The forms of punishment we have applied do not seem to work. J continues to harm people on a whim. 

This latest incident, I stripped his room of all toys, games, and books. He has been grounded to his room for a week. The moment he learned of his punishment he preceded to scream and wail for hours. I am trying to work while listening to him scream and scream in his room. I had hoped he would calm down if we just left him alone to get it out of his system but no luck. He screamed and wailed off and on from 9:30 in the morning until 3:30 pm. The case manager just tells me to ignore him and not let him get "under my skin." I have several voice recordings of him screaming and wailing this day. This does not include him talking back and arguing with my husband. I finally reached out to a family member to stay with him for a couple of hours so we could get away. 

The 2 1/2 hours of away time from J, I still could not relax. My head was pounding and I suddenly realized how exhausted I was. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I worried the entire time we were gone, wondering what J was doing. Plus, if he was continuing to scream and wail, I knew I could not leave my family member there with him for very long. My husband and I were so distracted and exhausted from dealing with J, my husband lost his wallet that night. We finally found it Sunday morning.

When J would not calm down after an hour of being home from school, I contacted his case manager and then mobile crisis. I have had to call mobile crisis several times on J throughout the year. Each and every time I call, I am told he is not a danger to himself or others and therefore there is nothing they can do for him. I convey to them that J continues to harm people and has been known to even create a list of those he wants to harm. But I guess since he is only 10 years old it is just a behavior issue and nothing to be too concerned about. I conveyed to the mobile crisis how concerned I was that he showed no remorse for his actions. I even asked at what point will someone listen to us that he needs help; when he seriously harms someone? She got me in touch with another case manager. 

This case manager was at least familiar with J's case. He has taken us seriously and the last time we spoke, he was instrumental in finding an inpatient behavioral place for him. The last time we spoke with this case manager, J had threatened to burn the school down and had a list of those he wanted to harm and in what order. The case manager suggested finding another inpatient for him but felt it would be of no use and J would benefit better from residential treatment. The catch with residential treatment is that I have to initiate it. Not only am I exhausted from dealing with J's behavior and calling countless people, I now have to find the energy and time to call his insurance and psychiatric residential facilities to see what I need to do to help J. I have made a few calls to some residential places and still have not heard back. This means I am going to have to make more time and energy to keep calling these places. In the meantime, the only thing the case manager can do is recommend more intense therapy 3 times a week in the home. J has gone through this before. 

The past 2 years we have been told J's issues are mostly behavioral. He has gotten progressively worse and it is wearing us out. His school work is even starting to suffer as a result of his behaviors. I have spoken to anyone who would listen, readjusted his IEP at  school, tried different tactics and nothing seems to make a difference. I have spent many times praying for a solution, praying for more patience with him and praying for forgiveness that I feel like I am going in circles. My hope for J is waning. 

I am exhausted. I am tired of calling one person after another to try and get J help. I am asked with every call I make what I want for him. My response every time is for J to go some place to receive a full evaluation, medication wash and an a more accurate diagnosis. Each time I am told they just can't do that. In fact the only time anyone seems to step in to provide help for people like J is when the person commits an atrocious act. I am exhausting my efforts to keep J from getting to that point. 

When someone like J commits a terrible atrocity there is public outcry. Why did not anyone see the signs? Why did not anyone try to help this person before they murdered someone? Where were their parents? How could they have done something so terrible? Was the person getting help for their mental illness? What would make them do such a terrible thing? I have to admit, before J, I would wonder these same things. Now, I understand the frustration more on a personal level rather than an outsider. 

After the second time J assaulted a teacher, I had asked the school to put in his IEP to call the police. Not to press charges or take him to jail but for the police to talk to him, maybe even convince him of the consequences of assaulting someone. However, the school administration refuses to do that citing J's age and their policy. My husband and I have grounded him to his room, had him committed to inpatient facility, and taken away privileges due to this behavior. None of it has worked. J has been reminded to use his coping techniques and many times he chooses not to use them. We have tried praising him for his good behaviors to reinforce him to continue to make good decisions. In fact last week we were praising him for his behaviors. The school even called to say he was doing well. This week has been a total 180 degrees. Needless to say, we have tried everything and the only thing left to think of is for the police to step in to help and even then I cannot get any support for that idea. 

We are running out of ideas and tactics to help J with his behaviors. We are running out of energy and stamina. My only hope now is to garner enough energy and time to see if I can get him residential care. The case manager even stated to me I would need to be a squeaky wheel in order to make this happen because J is not going to get any better. In the meantime I have to again rely on therapy treatments 3 times a week and hope that his latest punishment sinks in somehow. My greatest hope is that some how, some way, I can find enough energy to get the help J needs before something truly awful happens.