It has been some time since I last wrote. There has been a lot going on since August. Faced with losing my job, I had to make some hard choices. One choice involved looking in the area I was currently living in to find a job that would sustain my family. The other involved casting my net wider and looking for a position outside of the state thereby risking the possibility of moving. Well, the first choice was not working out so I went with the other. Fortunately I was able to find a job outside of the state. Unfortunately it requires moving out of state. All these changes have been occurring since August.
For the past 4 months, I have been:
- Learning a new job
- Setting up a second home in another state
- Getting present home ready to place on the market
- Managing finances for two homes
- Trying to get J into a new school
- Tracking down immunization records for J
- Setting up an IEP for J in the new school
- Working on getting J's insurance switched over to the new state
- Driving back and forth between the two states
- Coordinating with my husband to get me J's medication
- Dealing with the holidays and a COVID scare
- Dealing with a realtor and marathon house showings
- Lastly, dealing with J through all of this with little to no help
Change is hard for anyone with or with out mental health issues. Change that brings a significant amount of stress can be even harder. As an adult all these changes and stress can deplete what patience or temperance one can have. For J with all of his issues, change no matter how big or small can result into a complete meltdown lasting for minutes to hours to all day long.
J was front loaded with information prior to any change that would take place. I spoke to him for weeks about the new job and moving. I spoke to him about what it would mean, about his feelings, let him cry, etc. His mood changed so much before we actually moved, it was hard to keep up. His behavior would wax and wane in school - more bad days versus good.
At the end of October J and I moved to the other state while my husband and older boys remained behind. I did speak to J about this situation many times over. This living arrangement is not my ideal situation but sometimes you have to make a hard decision, especially when finances are an issue. I also had to meet my new employer's expectations which contributed to the decision. Plus, I knew I could not leave J with my husband who worked second shift and would not be available to pick him from school or be at home.
My mom offered to help me with J in the other state. I was really grateful but optimistically pessimistic at the same time. The first week in the new state had some issues. J's behavior was not always the greatest. He was disrespectful, obstinate, and moody some of the time. We had some okay days. The second week was much worse.
- A meltdown everyday, sometimes several a day
- Screaming at everything that frustrated him
- Screaming when he was told "no"
- Refusing to do anything he was told to do
- Constant disrespectful comments
- Banging his walls and bedroom door when told to go to room to chill out
- Throwing himself into the floor in a tantrum
- Mood swings, so many mood swings
We went back to our home state for Thanksgiving and ended up staying 2 weeks due to a COVID scare. His behavior was about the same but not near as bad. We went back to our new state the first weekend of December.
Again, the first week wasn't so bad. There were a few things each day here and there but he was manageable. The second week, a total 180. He did everything mentioned above and then some.
- Full blown panic attacks
- Screaming
- Talks of death
- Increased disrespectfulness
- Hit a teacher at school
- Mood swings so extreme - crying and screaming one minute, calm the next
And before you ask the question, yes he was on medication. We made sure to give it to him every day.
A couple of days before we were scheduled to make our trip back home to be with the family for Christmas, J had one meltdown after another all day long. I had to stop working multiple times to deal with him. His mood flipped so much that day. Just about every statement out of his mouth was disrespectful toward my mom and myself. Absolutely refusing to do what he was told. The straw that broke the camel's back was his refusal to drink juice at the kitchen table. He proceeded to argue with my mom. I stopped work to intervene. He stated "fine then, I just won't drink the juice." This was juice he requested. I responded with "Okay, no juice then." He said something else and I told him to go to his room and he began to yell. I dumped the juice out. This lead to a 40 minute long tirade of him screaming at the top of his lungs demanding something to drink. He busted out of his room at one point to see what I had done with the juice. I told him to go back to his room and calm down. He went to his room screamed some more, banged on the door, threw items around his room. He was screaming so much his voice was starting to get hoarse. After listening to screaming and tantrums all day, I snapped. I took J to the ER department. I just could not take anymore.
At the ER his mood and behavior changed again. He no longer was screaming, calm as can be, being sweet to everyone giving him attention. The absolute total opposite of what he was. I told the ER staff what he was saying about death and how he was behaving, what lead me to bring him in. I spoke with several people and explained everything, his medications, behaviors, things he has said, etc. I pleaded with them for help. Unfortunately due to COVID, the counselor had to use telehealth to ask him questions, etc. Of course, Josh did not act up and denied saying he wanted to hurt himself. After 8 hours, crying on the phone with people and the ER staff, begging for help, I had this counselor say to me to just ignore him. Also because of his age, it was deemed behavioral and not a mental health issue; therefore there was no need to admit him anywhere. But, if I wanted to I could take him, drive another 30 miles into another state and see about admitting him to this one hospital. She just kept saying to me to ignore him when he is arguing or having one of his fits. She then turns to J and tells him to scream into a pillow or stuff animal. Ignore him, she says. It's behavioral and not a mental health issue she says. All because he is 9 years old - he can't possibly have a mental health issue. She did not have to listen to one tirade after another, nor does she live with him. And yet, I am to just simply ignore him.
The next morning J went into a 40 minute tirade over his school work. I recorded about 5 minutes on video and another 5 minutes on voice memo. I ended up coming back to our home state a day earlier than planned due to J's behavior and my mom at the end of her rope. While on the road, this same counselor called to see how he was doing. I laid it out for her. I was on the verge of berating her; largely for her cavalier approach toward us. I was bitter, bordering on apathy. She was just another person who did nothing to very little to help.
Over the past year, my husband and I have been crying out for help. J has been crying out. The sad thing is no one is listening. COVID did not help. However, J was exhibiting these "behaviors" and moods every year for the past 5 years and each year he is getting worse. I'm telling anyone who will listen that he lies incessantly, has paranoid tendencies - accuses people of talking bad about him or stealing from him, denies his actions despite being caught with his hand in the cookie jar, thinks it is okay to do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't get caught, and his talks of death/harm to himself. I am exhausted.
But hey, he is 9 years old, it's just behaviors and not a mental health issue. Since my waste-of-time trip to ER, all I have been asking myself is: "At what point does this 'behavior' become a mental health issue?" "At what age does the behavior he is exhibiting be recognized for what it is?" "Who will open their eyes and ears to finally listen to the parents like myself and do something about it?" "Who will not see the age of a child but the actual child itself and see the cries and warning signs and begin to make the connection?"
Anyone who has studied mental illness knows there are behaviors a person exhibits in order to receive a diagnosis, to receive a DSM-V diagnosis. Behaviors are a criteria psychologists/psychiatrists use to rule out certain diagnoses and determine more accurate ones. Sometimes, MRIs, lab work, and other objective studies can be done to aide in a diagnosis but behaviors play a significant amount.
I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist. I have taught topics on mental illness, studied in pathophysiological books and have family members who suffer from it. I have even taken care of patients with mental health disorders. So, when I see these same behaviors in my son J exhibit themselves more and more each year, his age is not the first thing on my mind.
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