J has been back home for a month now. I have a better understanding of his behavior and why he does the things he does. Changing my mindset to go along with that knowledge has been a challenge. Dealing with a challenging child doesn't make it easy. I have to undo my responses and reactions to the things he does and create new ones. With every step I try to make, my body and mind go into revolt. For each step I make, I feel like I fall back two.
There have been times over the past month, I have raised my voice, pleaded, bargained, compromised, took things away, etc. I have tried to stick to the schedule board J and I created together but there are days he fights me tooth and nail on it. He has heated up food in the microwave only to decide he doesn't want it - he has done this several times. J regressed back to an earlier behavior and urinated in his pants rather stopping what he was doing to use the bathroom. He has been waking up at 3 in the morning on some days and then wakes up others in the process. J continues to not follow directions and rules thus causing more friction in the house. It doesn't matter how many times I have tried to tell him why, he persists and not in a good way. He has consistently left the TV remote in places where our dog, Penny, scoops it up and proceeds to chew on it. The remote is being held together by duct tape now. He has been told many many times where to place the remote and yet he continues to lay it anywhere. Then there are the fights and frustrations that ensue between J and my older sons almost on a daily basis. J screams and yells when they do not let him play with their PS4 or XBox 360 game consoles. Each time we have gone out to the store and I said "no" to something he wants, he starts to throw a fit and says "You never get me anything!" Have I exhausted you yet?
My husband and I decided to give our older boys a break and take J on a mini vacation to Eureka Springs- a place that requires a lot of walking up and down hills. J would have 1:1 time with me and my husband and get to do some fun things. Plus we had been promising to take him on a trip somewhere. We made sure to practice safe COVID-19 precautions and J did not fight us on wearing a mask. Saturday was a good day, the first in a while. Other than the occasional, "I'm tired of walking" and "I'm hungry," J behaved himself. Sunday we started to turn a corner.
It all started with breakfast. Whenever my husband and I go out of town, we try to look for local cafes and restaurants to eat at; fast food chains are a last resort. J sees McDonald's and immediately starts in. We were determined to find a local café. The further we got from McDonald's the more he insisted on it, cried for it. Now, we had McDonald's the night before because we were tired from all the walking and wanted to go to the hotel. If J had his druthers he would have McDonald's every day. Anyway, I wanted him to have a healthier breakfast and we wanted something better. Eventually we did find a café opened. Next, we went walking downtown to do some more shopping. He complained the entire time wanting to go see the caves. We then made it to the caves and while we were waiting for our turn for the tour, he started in on how we never buy him anything, (even though he is wearing the hat he got the night before), stomping his feet and saying "It's not fair!" During the cave tour he was told not to run and not get too far ahead of us, which he repeatedly ignored. When reminded of this, he would answer with his usual sarcastic response "sorry." Eventually we made it home. I am utterly exhausted (been up before 4 am) and in a lot of pain by this time.
Sunday carried over into Monday morning. I woke up feeling worse than when I went to bed. I hurt from head-to-toe and was absolutely sick to my stomach. My patience reserve was running out and fast. J had woken up at 3 am and bothered his brothers. Absolutely refused to follow his schedule. Did not want breakfast only to heat up multiple things and decide he did not want them. Insisting on watching YouTube, knowing I had to start work. Screaming and crying when he did not get his way on that. Argued with me about taking his medications. The numerous times we had to chase Penny around the house to get things out of her mouth. J bouncing on the furniture and fighting with his brothers. Lastly Penny grabbing hold of the remote, us chasing after her to get it, and J screaming at the top of his lungs "I didn't put it there!" I lost it! A month's worth of frustration and exhaustion just came pouring out.
I stood in the doorway of my living room screaming at the top of my lungs "damn it" over and over. My arms straight at my sides, fists clenched, teeth gritted, eyes closed losing it stance! I just could not take any more in that moment, not another thing. The deep breathing exercises I was doing, trying to keep my mind focused on other things tactic, reminding myself repeatedly that J can't help himself sometimes, reminding J what he needed to do, and other things to remain calm that morning simply were not working. Therefore I lost my BLEEP!
It didn't make me feel any better. My oldest son came quickly over to me and tried to console me, telling me he will handle it. My husband's attitude worsened. J just screamed even more and his behavior did not improve over the rest of the day. I didn't lose it the rest of the day. But, I had to get onto J several times throughout the day as he continued to argue and pester his brothers. It finally got quiet when J took a long nap. I fell asleep that night praying for forgiveness. The next day I prayed for patience. J wasn't any better the next day but my attitude was.
I know that I am not the only parent that struggles with a child like J. If you are just such a parent, you are not alone. Some of you may have more patience than me and even some of you may have less. I write this particular blog to let others know that losing your BLEEP once in awhile doesn't make you a bad parent or person. It makes you a human being trying to love and care for a child with mental health issues.
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