Monday, July 13, 2020

The Thomas the Train Affair

Have you ever been to a store or a restaurant and witnessed a child throwing a tantrum? Have you witnessed them scream and cry at the top of their lungs, kick and stomp around, and shout at their parents as they stood by and let them? And, in that moment you began judging the parents? You may have thought to yourself or made a comment such as: "They must spoil their child," "That child needs a good spanking," "Take your child out of the store. Don't just stand there and let them behave that way," or even "They should have left that child at home, found a sitter or something. We are trying to eat here." and so on and so on. I was such a judgmental person.

My two older boys who are in their twenties never behaved badly in public. The moment they did (which was rare), I or my husband would immediately remove them from the store. I can honestly count on one hand the number of times this occurred with my older boys. They obeyed my husband and I. Every time we went somewhere, their hands would immediately grab onto the cart. They were so good at it that by the age of 10, they would begin to start pulling the cart away from me when something caught their eye; they would pull just enough to annoy me but never letting go. I finally gave them permission to let go of the cart. Even then, they still stayed by my side and never ventured off. My older boys never ran up and down the aisle, made noise or cried at the movies, and behaved themselves whenever we went out to eat. Looking back on it, they made things quite easy for us. Hence, my ill gotten ability to be judgmental of parents who let their children throw tantrums in public.

As I mentioned, J was 2 years old when he joined our family. We were naïve into thinking we could treat him like we did our older boys. Yes, I knew he was already at a disadvantage compared to my older boys but we figured we would just leave if he begins to throw a fit. When we flew out to meet him, DHS gave us permission to take J anywhere in the state as long as we did not cross state lines. So, my husband and I decided to take him to the ocean which was only about 45 minutes from where my aunt and uncle lived. It was a small beach town and we agreed we would just leave with J if he began to throw a fit. It just so happened that J was on good behavior. We went to a restaurant and about the most he would do was say "chicken" every time the waiter walked by. It was rather cute. Our first outing went well. Later, we found out that my husband and I were the first ones to ever take him anywhere, let alone to a restaurant. It was the first of many outings we would have with J.

We told my aunt of the outing and how well it went. She informed us she was told by DHS that J was not to be taken out in public because of his behaviors. I stated J would never learn social skills if he is never taken out. She started taking him out after that.

Like every two year old, J had things which interested him. Things like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, PJ Masks, hot wheels, and especially Thomas the Train. I seriously think that Thomas the Train was invented by someone with malicious intent. There is something fishy about a train that moves its eyes back and forth and nothing else. I think it is an effort to hypnotize kids and cause parents everywhere to spend loads of money on these trains. They are not cheap!

Thomas the Train has been around for years, decades even. My oldest son liked Thomas and he had a few of the trains and always enjoyed the train table whenever we went to Toys-R-Us. We would let him play for awhile and then say it was time to go and he would come willingly. He liked Thomas but was never obsessed with the toy and he had other interests. J on the other hand... is a different story.

Before J came to live with us, my aunt mailed out most of his things to us which included his Thomas collection. Well, okay, we have been through this before, no big deal. At least J would have his toys with us when he arrives plus toys we have gotten him. It would give him some comfort and a sense of being home. Thomas brought joy to our oldest son so who am I to deny a child a source of joy. I was looking forward to watching him play with his toys.

J lived, ate, and breathed Thomas. He carried those trains around with him just about everywhere. If we told him he had to leave them at home, he would get immediately upset and we would have to take the time to explain why they had to stay home. To make matters worse, we do not live that far from an actual railroad. J would get so excited to see an actual train go by he would shout out "Thomas!" If we went anywhere near the toy section at Walmart, we would take steps to avoid the Thomas aisle for fear of a full blown tantrum. Thomas was a huge trigger for him, positive or negative.

One day we decided to go to the bookstore. I was always looking for books to read to J and for myself. Every single bookstore I have ever been in has a section where they keep toys. The toys would often be categorized by type and age. Well this particular bookstore had an entire section devoted to Thomas the Train. My husband thought it would be a nice idea to take J over to see the trains while I shopped. As I was looking through books, I suddenly heard a young child start screaming at the top of his lungs. My heart sank. I recognized that scream. I quickly made my way to the Thomas toy section.

My husband was struggling with J to get him to let go of a train. J absolutely refused to put it down. We tried to explain it did not belong to him. Thomas's eyes had to be working its spell. Anyway, we finally got the toy away from this screaming child and then it became a battle to remove him from the section. I could feel every eye in the store on us that day as we struggled with J. We had to drop everything and take this screaming and yelling child out of the store as quickly as possible. I felt so embarrassed.

As we struggled with J, all I could think was how people were judging me. They must be thinking all the same things I once did; all the things I was thinking about myself at that moment. I was also getting very angry with J. Angry because I felt embarrassed. Angry because I could not control his behavior. Angry because I did not get to finish my shopping. I could feel my face burning red as we departed the bookstore.

The incident in the bookstore was the Thomas the Train affair to end all affairs. I decided from that point on we had to wean J off of Thomas. Over the next several months we took steps to slowly wean him off. We introduced him to other toys and characters. Eventually, Thomas's hold on J subsided.

The incident in the bookstore that day was an eye opener for me. It wouldn't be the last time J pulled a tantrum in which we had to leave a store. And, it was not the last time I would feel embarrassed about it. With each incident that would occur, I would become less judgmental of other parents. I began to sympathize with parents I would observe struggling with their child's tantrums in public.

The Thomas the Train affair was the first in a series of steps I have been taking over the past 6 years. I began to realize how much I depended on the opinions of others based on how well my children behaved. I felt it was a reflection of me as a mother and a person. In the last 6 years, J's behavior has challenged me to rethink my own behavior, thoughts, and responses. Thomas the Train may no longer be physically present in our house but the lesson I began to learn that fateful day still continues.

Today, J does not throw the tantrums he once did in public. We can take him to restaurants, movies, and even shopping. Occasionally we may have an incident or two but nothing like it was before. As for Thomas, well that weird train is a distant memory. He has now been replaced by Bey Blades...and that is a whole other story.

J and us at the beach:



J and Thomas the Train Birthday Party:




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