How does someone handle a damaged child? Yes, I said it - damaged. 'Damaged' is not an adjective we like to use when describing children, let alone your own. Children are meant to be sweet, whole, innocent, precocious at best, whimsical and other good adjectives that can be applied; but damaged is not one of them. If I am being honest with myself, it is the best word I can use to describe our youngest son.
My husband and I made the fateful decision 6 years ago to make J a part of our family. Our two oldest sons were in their late teens and taking on a two-year-old would be like starting over. However we prayed about it, well I mostly prayed about it, and it was placed on my heart to have J become a part of our family. Although it was placed on my heart, we did have a family meeting to discuss it before proceeding to move forward. My husband and I even flew out to another state to meet J to be sure if we really wanted to pursue it.
As a registered nurse with a master's degree and having taught several classes on mental illness, I knew J could possibly have some issues. Little did we know. What I knew about mental illness mostly applied to adults, very little (except for Erickson life stages - for all you nurses out there) did I know about children. However, we are learning.
J did not come to us whole. Despite his outward appearance- bright blue eyes, long dark brown eyelashes and freckled cheeks, J was broken. Now, I may get flack for stating such a thing about a child. After all, who wants to admit their son or daughter is broken? Knowing what I know - thank you Erickson, I felt I could fix him - my family could fix him. I felt his brokenness could be fixed with as much love and care as I could give him. If I just hugged him enough, bought him things, met his needs, etc., he would be healed, be whole again. I was wrong. It has been a tremendous learning process for myself and my family. Needless to say, I have prayed a lot and others have prayed for us.
The use of the adjectives 'damaged' and 'broken' is not to convey that J is a terrible child. He is not. There are many children just like him - full of potential and a desire to be kind. There are many parents full of love for their child, biological or otherwise, that are as frustrated, angry, and tired as we are. It is difficult and challenging dealing with a child who has been damaged and has mental illness as a result.
There are no magic words or processes that work for every child. The purpose of this blog is to share our experiences and allow a place for others to share theirs as well. This blog is dedicated to my son J.
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