There is still hope

It has been quite some time since I wrote about J.  A lot has happened over the past two years. Last year J got himself suspened from school 12 times. Under normal circunstances any child who got suspened that many times would have been expelled from school. However, J's IEP protects him. Getting himself suspened that many times caused me to lose hope. 

I can hardly blame J. His older brother and his family moved in with us. J had to give up his bedroom and ultimately his privacy. The loss of his bedroom and having to sleep on the couch for 2 years must have took its toll, However, J has always looked up to his older brothers. He also enjoyed having his niece around. However, I was still concerned about J. After all, he was suspended 12 times. 

The suspensions really made no difference last year. It allowed J to get out of doing school work. He could stay home and sleep as long as he wanted to. I took his electronics away from him multiple times, banned him from watching TV, made him do household chores, and other things I could think. I told the school that suspending him was doing no good. They were giving him just what he wanted. Those at the school conitnued to ignore me. 

I would ask J every time what happened. He would give me his version of events which was ultimately a lie after I investigated each one. In one case, they even caught him on camera. J's issue is that he cannot let things go. Each suspension was the result of him retaliating against another. The event caught on camera showed J looking around checking to see if anyone was watching, setting his lunch tray down and then go beat up on another student. J denied this even took place. He claimed he was defending himself. In fact, he claimed he was defending himself each and every time. I grew more and more frustrated with him. 

I would report to his caseworker and therapist each time a suspension occur. They offered very little help. I would even report it to the nurse practitioner handling his medication and yet there was still no change. We were running out of options on medication to prescribe for him. He was receiving high dose of seroquel and extended dose of ADHD medication. The seroquel made no difference just like the thorazine he was on. Finally, I asked them to order something for his anxiety and disconitnue the seroquel. 

Despite everything, I still had hope for J. He does go to great links to defned his friends. Some of his actions, which would be the cause of some of his suspensions, was him defending his closest friend. He felt it was unfair to treat his friend poorly and he would react. J also did some act of kindness toward me without asking. I had total knee replacement last year and he would do things to help me. One night I was in the kitchen trying to do dishes despite the pain in my leg and knee. He heard me struggling and got up to finish the dishes for me. It's little nuggets like this that still give me hope. 

Asking the nurse practitioner to place him on an antianxiety medication did have some positive affects. So far this year he has only been suspended 1 time. This latest suspension was related to him attacking a fellow student and knocking him to the ground causing a concussion. The fellow student he attacked ended up with his parents taking him to the hospital. The assistant principle stated that he was dong much better this year and she emphasized this is the first time she had to call me. She tried to assure me that J has improved this year compared to last year. In many ways she was right. However, this was something serious he did regardless if this was the first time she had to call me. Yes, the medication has made a difference but it still did not take away his tendency to retaliate against another person. 

I admit I was furious with him over this latest event. I have repeatedly told hiim that taking revenge on another person only makes matters worse. J has been told many times that "two wrongs don't make a right." Both my husband and I have repeatedly told him that his behaviour toward another person could result in him severely hurting another person or can result in him getting seriously hurt or worse. I was so furious with him, I used profanity several times. My anger caused me to be blind. I had to ask God for forgivness later on that day. 

When asked about this event, he again lied to me. Then claims I am against him because I won't take his side. Every event that occurs I have to investigate what happened because J lies conitnuously. His contsant lying gives me little hope in him. I want to believe him each and every time. I told him I have to investigate each time something happens. I grow weary with each event that occurs. 

After hours of arguing with me providing every excuse he could think of, he finally apologized to me. The circle continues. Despite everything, I still have hope. It is true,  this year has been better since he has only been suspended once this year. We bought a new house in order for hiim to have his own room. It has made a positive impact on his behaviour this year. 

J has such potential. He is incredibly smart and loves science. He reads at a junior or senior high school level. J can carry an intelligent conversation with others. He makes good grades in school when he chooses to do the work. His tendency to defend those he cares about is admirable. J just needs to learn there is a wrong and a right way to do it. He enjoys playing with his niece, All the positive things he does shows there is still hope for him. 

Expectation

As a parent of a child with special needs, whether they are physical or in J’s case mental, we often expect certain things. Sometimes that expectation pays off and you see your child getting better or it leads into something that causes more frustration and aggravation. In J’s case, expectation is a long winding road with no foreseeable outcomes. In essence, I should not place any expectations on J. 

When we expect certain things such as Christmas, family reunions, special trips, etc., there is a certain level of excitement and joy.  Expectation can sometimes be a good thing. It becomes a problem when we place expectations upon a person, especially a child. 

As a parent, it is difficult not to have some level of expectation place upon our children. We expect them to do well in school, be kind to others, respect their elders, and behave. Sometimes we place a certain level of expectation on our children without realizing what it is doing to them. It is only when we stop and actually pay attention do we see what that expectation has done. 

When we place expectations on children it is often born from our need to meet society standards. As parents we feel affirmation when strangers compliment our children’s good behavior. We feel a sense of pride when our children do well in school and graduate with honors. As parents we will talk about our children’s accomplishments to anyone who will listen. It is the expectation of society that children will grow up to become productive  members of society and follow social norms and conventions. As parents we feel a sense of accomplishment; that we did our jobs in raising our children right because society has told us so. The level of expectation we have placed on our children has paid off. 

But, what if our level of expectation causes more harm than good? Do we become fearful of what others think because our child does not behave in a way that is expected? Do we place more levels of expectation  in an effort to get our child to conform? The levels of expectation we place on a child can often blind us. 

When J’s older brothers were going through high school. I had placed such a level of expectation on them that I did not realize what it was doing to them. In my need for affirmation and validation, I had expected my older boys to do well in school, make the honor roll, etc. When they did not, I felt embarrassed, like I had failed them. I wondered what others would think of my parenting skills. When my older children were not meeting my level of expectations, I became harder on them. It blinded me to their other attributes. It was not until I saw what it was doing to my middle child that I backed off. 

Attempting to place expectations upon J have proven to be unfruitful. It has caused more frustration and aggravation. There were many times I felt embarrassed by his actions and was afraid of what others would say or think. The more embarrassed I felt, the harder I placed those expectations upon him. It was not fair to J. 

Expectation places people, especially children in a box. It sends a message that the only way a person or a child can earn our love is by conforming to the box we haev placed them in. Expectation is a hard noun. It can be unyielding, unforgiveable, cumbersome, and unrealistic. For someone like J, placing an expectation often leads to anger, resentment, and disappointment - another series of hard nouns. 

When it comes to our children, peace is more assured when we just simply love them rather than place a level of expectation on them. To love someone does not place an expectation on them, rather it allows them the freedom to excel on their own terms, to feel confident, wanted, and secure. All a child wants to know and feel that they are loved. Expectation is not love, nor is it patient or kind. 

Finally, Maybe, Hoping

For 3 long years we have fought to get J help. Ran down every resource we could, tried everything they said, placed him on an IEP plan, adjusted his medications, tried new medications, 2 inpatient stays, a caseworker visiting 3 times a week, filing an unruly petition with the courts, and a therapist once a week, J was finally admitted to residential care. It almost seems anticlimactic. 

The astonishing thing is I do not feel any relief. Not yet anyway. I left him in a place hoping he will get the treatment and help he needs while at the same time learn new behaviors from the kids who are already there. I sincerely hope he ignores the latter. They asked me what I hope he receives while he is there. More than anything I hope he gets help, that they can better diagnose him, find better treatments for him, etc. I wanted them to observe him, really observe him on and off medications. I asked for a medication wash. I was told they would be changing his medication, especially the Thorazine he was on. The nurse stated they do not get kids in there on that medication. I said go ahead that the 200mg he was taking was not doing him any good anyway and had no affect on him. I just simply want them to help him. 

J will be there a minimum of 3-4 months. The longest he has ever been away from home. He was there not even 5 hours before the facility called to tell me they had to physically restrain him because he was attacking the staff and attempting to elope. I told the staff member that is one of the reasons why he is there. On one hand, I feel some relief. This means no fighting, screaming, and verbal assaults or attacks for 3-4 months. No walking on egg shells or picking my battles for 3-4 months. No more getting daily reports from the school about him biting, hitting, kicking, destroying property, cussing at teachers, fighting with other students, and elopements. In other words 3-4 months of peace. 

Peace. I am hoping that when he returns home, there will be more peace. However, as I sit here, I cannot help but think that he could come home in even worse shape. I worry that he will grow more resentful of us because we took him to this place. I relayed these concerns to his caseworker and she acknowledged that they were valid but we were at the point with J that there was no other choice. His caseworker, therapist, school staff, and his doctor who handles his medication all agreed residential care was the last option we could try. I just hope that after 3-4 months he will be better and not worse. 

Maybe his stay at this facility will help J realize how good he has it at home. Maybe it will help him understand that he has to put in the work to get better. Maybe it will help him become accountable for his actions and stop lying. Maybe it will help him to use his words instead of his fists. Maybe it will help him to recognize and respect people in authority. Maybe it will help him not to respond offensively to people. Maybe it will help him build self esteem and realize that it is okay not to have all the answers. Maybe just maybe.

After 3 long years we finally got J placed somewhere he could potentially receive help. We finally get to have some respite from his behaviors and his disrespect. Maybe J will come out of this a better person. Maybe we will learn how to respond to J better. Here’s hoping anyway. 

What Will It Take?

The past 3 weeks have been some of the roughest we have had with J. For weeks now we have been knocking down every door, pulling on every thread, and looking under every rock we can find in order to get help or some kind of assistance. For every phone call, email, call mobile crisis numbers called we were shot down. The main reasons is because J is only 10 years old. 

Over the past year J has choked, hit, kicked, threw things, and even bit people. He has thrown things at home, outwardly defied us, and constantly screams at us. In the past few weeks, his behavior has escalated at home to calling me a “bitch,” and an “idiot.” We have had to call the police each week over the last 3 weeks which have resulted in nothing. 

Yesterday evening J did not like that I took television away from him for hitting and punching teachers and other students. He proceeded to scream at me, interrupt me at work, and stand in my office screaming and making demands. I told him to go into his room. He screamed at me some more and then reluctantly went to his room. 

His case worker arrived shortly after. We talked for about 45 minutes before she attempted to approach J. J would have nothing to do with her. After she left, J proceeded to come back into my office and scream at me, demanding to watch television. I continued to say “no.” After he left my office, I immediately shut and locked the door, largely to prevent him from interrupting me. He then started screaming at me through the door and banging on it so hard the door was bending. He attempted numerous times to turn the knob and bang on the door some more. Calling me an “idiot” most of the time. I called his case worker looking for help, she advised me to call the police. 911 even heard him banging on the door. The 911 operator told me they would dispatch someone to the house and to call if I needed anything further. 

I heard J leave the house so I took the opportunity to leave my office and head to my bedroom. When I got to my bedroom I locked the door. J came back in and proceeded to scream at me through my bedroom door and bang on it as well. My bedroom faces the street and all I could do was wait and watch for the police to arrive. About that time, J retreated to his room and stopped screaming. 

I attempted to tell the police what has been going on. They were condescending and began to ask me if I have tried counseling with him or using any mental health services. I immediately turned around and looked that officer in the eye and began to rattle off everything we have done for J. She just waved me off and stated “okay,” and asked to speak to J. 

The entire time they spoke with J, he was cordial, articulate, and accommodating. He did not throw fits, curse, or scream. He was even trying to show some of the things he had in his room. All they seemed to tell him was to not talk or treat me the way that he did. 

When they came out of his room, I told them they saw a completely opposite version of him. I attempted to try and play some of the recorded screaming and show them the school’s daily reports but they were not interested. They keep saying to me that they “believed” me. Yeah, right! I got the feeling they did not.  Later they proceeded to tell me that they would not take him because he is only 10 years old. They refused to remove him from the home even after I told them that I was afraid of hurting him myself. The officer then looked at me and said that I was allowed to restrain him anyway I see fit, even sit on him. She also stated that I could just call them every time to come out. Tell me, what is the point of doing that? He’s already figured out that they are not going to do anything to him. 

For weeks now, I have been trying to get help with J. His own case worker, who has been with us for over a year, does not even know what to do with him. At school, the staff is at a loss of what to do. They told me nothing works. J can be provoked at the slightest thing. We cannot pin point down his triggers. Anything can set him off, especially if it interferes with what he wants to do. He has become more aggressive and more violent toward others. Last week he threatened to stick his finger in a wall socket to hurt himself in order to prove a point. I spent hours on the phone with mobile crisis only to be told he was not a candidate for admission to acute care since he is not a danger to himself. It did not matter that he was a danger to others. The school’s social worker even told mobile crisis she recommended acute care placement but that did not matter. One place we tried to make a referral to stated they would not take J because “he is too aggressive.” Another place would not take J because he was not 12 years old. Another place had no beds and would only accept referrals from their own sources. A trip to ER calls the same mobile crisis I spent hours pleading with. The facility he receives his mental health services from does not or will not make a referral. His pediatrician felt she could refer him to a psychiatrist for a 2 hour evaluation but she totally ignored me when I pleaded for inpatient services. J is on a waiting list for residential placement but there is no telling when he will get a bed. It’s been 2 weeks now and no word on a bed. 

There was another school shooting that took place recently. As devastating as these school shootings are, where were these authorities when parents were crying out to get their mentally ill child help? I use to be one of those cynical parents and made statements such as “why did they not tell someone their child was depressed or in trouble” or “why did not anyone notice this kid was crying out for help or showed warning  signs, or “where was this kid’s parents?” I think I now know the answer to those questions. Needless to say, I am no longer cynical.

One of my biggest fears is that when J becomes older he will do something that is devastating to another person. Or, be severely hurt himself because he angered the wrong person. However, this society will not step in until he has either done something really terrible or when he becomes a teenager. In the past year J has choked a teacher twice, punched them in the head, kicked them, bit them, threw things as them, etc. He even had a list of people he wanted to hurt and schools he wanted to burn down. He has now escalated that behavior at home. And, yes, he is only 10 years old going on 11. 

We have tried everything with J. We make sure he does not miss a single appointment with his case worker, the mental health clinic, and with his therapist. J receives his medication daily, including any increases that were made. He has had 2 increases within the past 3 months. We have tried different approaches to handle him. His case worker reminds him to use his coping skills and so do we. He just chooses not to use them. The therapy sessions, meeting with his case worker 3 times a week, and the medication increases have not made a difference. 

What will it take? CNN did a short clip on mental health services for children in this country. In their report they indicated that 55% of parents are frustrated that there are no mental health services or resources for children. If J was an adult and did half the things he does now, he would be taken away due to being a danger to others. Because he is 10, they label him as having “behaviors” and want us to try various techniques. The same techniques we have been trying for years. If J had any inclination to harm himself, he would be admitted into acute care; because he punches a teacher in the head and bites another, hits other children, he doesn’t qualify for admission. J is so impulsive and out of anger will hurt someone and not think twice before he does. The more concerning issue is that he seems to longer show remorse for his actions. He also refuses to take accountability for his actions. According to J it is always someone else’s fault. What will it take before someone will finally listen to us and do something? 

As of right now, our hands are tied. We can’t move forward or get J the help he needs. We cannot get any respite from him either. While we wait for a bed to become available, we have to endure J’s screaming, pounding on doors, and obscenities thrown at us. The school will have to continue to try and brace themselves for J because they have no idea how he will react or behave from one day to the next. I will have to try and find some reserve or energy from somewhere because I am completely and utterly empty. It is getting harder and harder to practice restraint. It is especially hard when J follows you around the house screaming in your ear. 

Each and every person I have tried to talk to about J all tell me the same thing. They all tell me to just ignore him. Really? If they have to endure what we do on a daily basis, I bet ignoring J would be the last thing they would ever recommend to do. 

How Much Patience Does it Take?

It's been some time since I last wrote anything. We have had a lot happen with J over the past several months. Between work and dealing with him, there is just not enough hours in a day. 

J's behavior has been escalating and esclating for quite some time. We receive a daily report from school that he has hit someone, punched someone, taunting his classmates, sent to the "refocus" room, refusing to do his school work, and the list goes on. For every 1 good day we have with him, there are  6 bad days. We have had multiple medication adjustments. He never goes a day without his medication. His case worker visits with him 3 times a week and tries to counsel him. This week alone J has bit a teacher rather hard, attempted to bite others, hit another in the stomach, charged at teachers, punched another teacher in the head 3 times, and punched another in the nose. Yesterday he refused to take a bath, would not go to his room and threw himself on the floor. He then proceded to "run away" and left the house with no shoes and run down the street. We had to call the police for assistance with him. 

For the past several months we have tried to convey to the doctor handling his medications that his behaviors are getting worse. We have let her know all of the steps we have tried to take to get J to control his behavior. Consequences, punshiments, privileges taken away, encouragement, rewards, motivation techniques, and even ignoring his behavior has not worked. He will repeat the behavior the next day or so. We currenlty have him seeing a therapist but I have little hope that it will have any positive impact. 

My husband and I have withstood J's biligerance, mocking attitude, and outright defiance. We have tried to reason with him, talk with him about his behavior, and explain what is wrong and right. We have bought him things in the hopes it will help calm him down. I have read books and articles in the hopes to find something that will help but have not been successful. In fact all these books say to care for yourself first but we can't because we are too busy taking care of him. My husband and I have had to walk away from him several times in order to prevent ourselves from doing or saying something that we will regret. I pray for him practically every day and still find myself hitting the same brick wall. We have done everything we could to help J and yet he continues to be profoundly disrespectful toward us. 

His case worker told us that she commends us for our patience with him. She went on to say how patient we have been with him, far more than she has seen with other parents. She insisted we have been good parents to him. It got me realizing how much I prayed to the Lord to have patience with J. I've also had to ask for forgiveness for some of my reactions toward J. However, patience has been one of my constant prayers where J is concerned. I just don't know how much longer I can keep praying for patience. 

How much patience will it actually take before J receives the help and evaluation he needs? How much more do I need to pray for peace to envelop J? When will someone actually do something rather than provide lip service? How much longer do I keep praying for help? At what point is enough  enough? I have been fighting for J 6 years now. My cup is running on empty. It has been quite some time since it was full. 

A Fine Line

 My husband and I were having a discussion the other day. It came about related to a recent school shooting or rather a bomb scare we became aware of. My husband and I are rather polar opposites when it comes to guns and gun control. Although, we do agree that if a hunter requires several rounds of ammunition to go hunting with, they shouldn’t be hunting in the first place. Despite our views on gun control, the heart of our conversation centered around mental illness. 

Despite the latest surge of self-help books, apps, and web-based therapies, there is still not enough resources available to assist with mental illness, especially in children. In the 1980’s funding for mental health services was decreased significantly. As a result, many hospitals and mental health units had to make some hard decisions. Many units closed down because there simply was not enough reimbursement for services to keep them open. Others switched to focusing on addictions as a way of keeping their doors open. It almost seems to be more acceptable to have an alcohol or drug addiction versus a mental illness. What many do not realize is that those with a drug or alcohol addiction have underlying mental illness. Many turn to alcohol or drugs to quiet the voices in their head or deal with the emotional roller coaster they may be experiencing. While addiction programs do try to deal with the underlying issues that leads a person to drink or take drugs, they still remain woefully inadequate. The amount of resources available to persons suffering from metal illness varies state to state. Adults have a hard enough time seeking these resources out, let alone resources for children. 

The latest surge of online mental health services had made things a bit easier for adults to seek help. If a person has access to a computer and internet connection, they can receive help via telehealth. However, if they are homeless, poor, or no health insurance that would cover, the person has to look for help by other means. For parents of children, it is much more complicated. 

The mental health services online do not cater to children. Many of the inpatient mental illness hospitals or clinics are for adults; only a handful have units for children. Whether you are an adult or a child, many of these hospitals or units will not admit someone for help unless they are a danger to themselves or others. Even then, they may still not admit them to be evaluated and treated properly. J has hit and choked his teachers and they still would not admit him. The main solution to help adults and children is to add more medications or make medication adjustments and hope for the best. We just recently added another medication to J’s regimen. A few weeks ago, I spent time trying to find a hospital that would take J and each one the state gave me to contact dealt with adults and substance abuse, not mental health behavior for children. The only solution I had available to me to help J was to increase his case worker’s visits to 3 times a week. 

The other issue concerning children is that professionals hesitate to apply certain diagnoses on a child despite all of the signs and symptoms that may be present. The standard diagnoses consist of ADHD, clinical depression and oppositional defiant disorder. I have been told many times that they do not diagnose certain conditions until they are teenagers. Unfortunately, as teenagers, their behaviors are set and can become very difficult to turn around. It is almost too late to treat them. 

With J, I am persistent, so there is some hope for him. However, I think about all of the other parents dealing with a child like J who do not know how to be persistent. The case workers only have access to limited resources themselves and can only help parents to a certain extent. It primarily becomes the parents’ responsibility to make sure their child receives help. I was even told I would have to become a “squeaky wheel” if I wanted J to get help. 

I work full time which makes it difficult to be that wheel. I have  spent time making phone call after phone call to no avail. When I do find someplace, J is placed on a waiting list and it requires I drive an hour or more to take him to receive services. This means I have to take time off of work in order to do this. Like many other parents, I cannot continue to take time off. I am willing to bet that many parents cannot afford to take time off of work to help their child which makes their situations more strenuous than mine. Being a “squeaky wheel” is exhausting and at some point you even get tired of your own noise. 

When massive shootings occurred regardless of the location, there is an abundance of discussions centered around gun control. These discussions occupy mainstream media and make no room for the real reasons behind why these individuals commit mass murder. Although I am for better legislation around acquiring guns and removing guns that hold more than 30 clips off of the market, it really doesn’t address the issues behind why these individuals would commit a mass shooting. The guns are a means to an end for these individuals. Guns can easily be acquired. But, I often think, if guns were not available what else would these individuals use? 

Mine and my husband’s greatest worry about J is that he will do something that could injure himself or others. We walk a fine line when it comes to disciplining J. If we give hm to much discipline or yell at him one too many times, will he snap? If we give him too little, will he think he could do whatever he wants without paying consequences? If we say or do the wrong thing will it contribute to how he sees himself and others? When we tease with him or joke around with him, will he take it literally or see it as a harmless joke? Unfortunately, he takes things most literally so we have to be really careful what we say or do around him. We have not always been the best around him. Call it frustration, tiredness, anger, whatever; I still hope that the good we have done will out weigh all the wrong and J will not snap or do something terrible. 

We walk a fine line with J. Everyday it is something different, a new challenge. We do not always respond in the best manner or say the right thing in the moment but we try. Just the other day J threw a massive screaming fit because we needed to go to the store and he did not want to go. We sat around for 40 minutes waiting for him to getting out before we could leave. He had to stay in his room until he calmed down. We did not react other than to send him to his room. It is hard to say what J will grow to become or what he will do. All we can do is pay attention to J and respond in the best way we can. It’s a fine line we walk.

It Takes a Child

The amazing thing about children, at a certain age at least, is their uninhibited way of making statements which make a person acknowledge certain truths. J statements he made the other day to me had their nuggets of truth. They were trite, overused statements. The kind you read about in self help or self awareness books. In fact they are the kind of statements you hope your children take to heart but we as adults often fail to follow ourselves. 

We were discussing about finding new people to meet, attend a new church, etc. I am hesitant due to past hurts and recent experiences. I also do not want to be in a situation where I have to change myself or accommodate others while sacrificing my own feelings. It never ends well. However, J stated to me that I should not have to change myself to meet new people or attend a new church. He said I should just be the way I am. 

Sometimes as parents, whether we realize it our not, we live vicariously through our children. We push our children to be stronger, smarter, better, achieve more, and be successful. As parents we often say to ourselves that we push our children for their benefit because we want the best for them. Then we stand back and make boastful statements, “my son did this in school,” “my daughter got this award,” my son made straight A’s,” “ my daughter did this…, “my son did that…,” and on and on. We make these statements and beam when people react and respond with positive affirmations. It becomes a reflection on our parenting skills and abilities. Before we know it, we as parents begin to define ourselves by the actions of our children and loose ourselves along the way. 

The way I am. I have spent the past 5 years trying to teach J lessons, to change his behaviors, teach him how to respect others, and so on. In the beginning I would be mortified over J’s behavior and worried about what others think. I would try to change or redirect J’s behavior, explain it away to others, provide explanations on the steps I was taking to address the situation, anything to receive affirmation from others that I was a good mom. I worried about how his behavior projected on myself and my family. It really has affected the way I am and in the past couple of years I’ve realized, “who really cares.” 

I used to see parents in the store with their children who would scream and cry and think, “ they must spoil their child, “ don’t they discipline,” and the worst of all “they are not great parents.” I was judgmental of those parents. Now, I completely sympathize with them. 

J in our lives has helped me to see how much stock I placed in the thoughts of others. I felt others would judge me the same way I had previously judged. We are warned not to judge others unless we be judged by the same measure. Ironic. I measured myself by my own judgments. 

It was really absurd. My whole life has been spent restraining myself worried about what others think of me. It has caused me to hold back, only show certain sides of myself, take the criticism lying down, and not stand up for myself; all in the hopes of pleasing others. My actions and reactions were based out of fear of what others thought of me. This fear drove me to place pressure on my two older boys and then on J. However, it took J to help me realize just how much emphasis I placed on the thoughts of others and how ridiculous I have been. 

J stated to me the other day that I should not change myself for anyone. I should just be myself and not worry what others think. J stated that people should just accept me the way I am. He said the exact same things to me he is repeatedly told by others. These are the same things I have told J to take to heart but have failed to take them myself. 

It is difficult to change one’s thought processes that have been imbedded for decades. It has taken J being a part of our lives for me to see how ridiculous it is to base my self worth on the thoughts of others. Even though I realize this, it is hard to change decades of imbedded habits and actions that cause me to try and please others but I am trying. Recent events over the past year has made me vulnerable to backsliding. 

Our conversation with J the other day helped me to realize how vulnerable I have become. I have found myself fishing for compliments at work, looking for ways to affirm myself, and making sure J’s case worker knows we have been trying to help him. I hesitate looking for a new church for fear of being hurt or falling into the same merry-go-round trap of pleasing others in order to be accepted. I have been more critical of J than I ever have been because I want others to think we are doing a good job handling him. 

J was right. I should not let others dictate who I am. I should not let J’s actions be a reflection of my parenting skills. If others have a problem with how direct I can be or if they are intimidated by me, that is their problem, not mine. As he stated, I should just be myself. I realized that J has never asked me to change who I am. It took this child with all of his struggles and issues to make me realize that I am okay just the way I am.